it hurts so much to let her go, but i have to.. =(

haay..

good day to all. you know what, i dont wanna listen to love songs anymore!!! damn that songs! they make me remember things i dont wanna remember.

i have to introduce you someone. she came into my life long before joy(the girl in my previous stories). let's hide her in the name of "maisha".

i met her in the "gawad kalinga", around october 2007(if i'm not mistaken), where our organization helped in building houses. we ate lunch having a very long connected tables w/ banana leaves as the cover which also served as our plate. we ate without utensils, we used only our hands. i just stayed only by myself after i have eaten when a girl approached me and said, "tara, panhinaw kita..", it means, let's go wash our hands. i faced her and she smiled at me. i smiled too. that was the time i have fallen for her. we went to a nearby water pump or "poso" as called in our mother tongue. i pumped while she washed her hands and after her, she pumped also for me.

she had a bad love exprience that time that's why i courted her for about almost a year before she would open her heart again to me. she said, she wants to be complete again before she gets inside of a relationship. i understand it, that's why i kept waiting.

there was almost a year, october 2008, when joy came into my life. that was the time i became a bad guy to maisha. you know what happened to me and joy. it didn't work that great. after everything that's happened, maisha was still there. she never left me. in fact, she was the one who helped me during the depressing times of my life. and i loved her more for that.

on december 2008, we spent christmas far from each other but, we stayed in touch through cellphone text and she was so sweet. she even told me, the reason maybe why she's not so delightful was maybe because she misses her father. and ofcourse, she also misses me. (oh.. so heart warming)

the last week of december was our field trip. we went to Cebu. i found a gift shop, i remembered maisha. i bought her a stuff toy. i gave it to her as soon as arrived. after i gave it, she hugged it and blowed it on my face many times. that time, she still remeber that joy was with us in our field trip maybe that's the reason why she did that (damn..). after that, she said "thank you". that was the sweetest thank you that i've ever heard even if i got a little hurt. (hahaha..)

weeks later, i have forgotten to text her. that was because "swordsman perfect world" (an MMORPG) reopened after it was being closed last October 2008. i played the game again without noticing that I'm not texting maisha anymore. this led to a major problem. one day, i texted her and said hi. she replied, "i'm out".(ouch!) i did everything just to make her wanna stay but, she said, "Please stop it. i'm in love with somebody else..".

i was so hurt, i couldn't believe we went into this situation. that was really hurting. i didn't reply her every text anymore.

maybe a month passed, i learned to live without having her. i lived with my friends. they make me laugh when we drink liquors (hahaha). one day i replied her. i think that time i was ready to make friends with her. she asked me if i believed her when she said she already had somebody else. i told her that was the most hurting of everything she said. i learned that she only uttered that thing because that day when i texted, it was weeks before i could text again, many things came into her mind especially that she saw joy a few moments before i texted her. that's why she got so ireful and told me those things.

i got so happy! everything she said were lies. but what's sad is that, we're done. i can't bring back our old relationship. i'm back to zero. but it's alright with me. i still love her. even if i keep on courting her until we grow older, it's alright.

i'm the kind of person who is an easy-go-lucky. if she'll be mine, i might not take care of her anymore. so it's ok if she's not mine. it means that everyday is a new challenge. for as long as she does not flirt with other guys, it's chicken! (hahaha..)

month's later, i think we're getting better and better until her birthday came. my plan was to play unaware of what day is it. if she keeps on breaking up on what day is it, i would just say, i dont know. and when she walks away, i'll call her and give her my present. but that didn't happen. she had other concerns and she was going as soon as possible. i quickly took a bath and rode on my motorcycle. being rushed, while on the way, i remebered that i have forgotten my present (oh my God, she's gonna go..). i turned back and get my present. i even wore a helmet which i do not usually do. i wore it because if ever she's gone, ill follow her just to give my present. when i was outside their house, i waited. i was already loosing hope that maybe she had gone already. she texted me to cross the street. i saw her. she was just across the street watching me. i gave her my present. she asked me what it was for. i was a little shy cause her cousin was just beside us. i told her, "it's your birthday, happy birthday..". she told me it was not. i got anxious that maybe i was wrong but luckily her cousin spoke and said "no, it's your birthday! oh, i almost forgot. happy birthday." (oh, i was able to breathe then). later she accepted my present. t'was a bracelet i bought from a lucky charm shop. the vendor said, you must wear it so that you'll be lucky in your relationship with others. so i bought it, hoping that we will be lucky too in our relationship.(from friends to.. you know! hahaha..)


so much for the happy moments.. this is the real problem.


from the time we got OK, or perhaps since we were friends again, i opened everything that happend to me to her. i didn't make secrets or perhaps i had but if she asks me, i'll be honest. i let her come inside my life. she's inside of my life.


maisha's attitude is, whenever she have problem, i do not ask her what that problem is. i just do my best to make her smile. whatever her problem is, she's ready to face it if she only smiles and face it with courage. that's what i do, i was born to make her laugh. but we can't stay like this all the time.


one day she said she had a problem. i asked her what it was. i played joke that if she will not tell me, i will not talk to her anymore forever (with a "=)" to emphasize that it was a joke). she made it serious. she said it was fine with her. i told her everything was just joke. i didn't mean it.


one thing came into my mind, maybe she was so itchy to leave me only that i was so nice, she cant. i told her such. and i freed her. i told her she's free.


now, we're far from being ok yet.

maybe t'was also my fault. i should have not told her such. but what i think is, if and only if she would like me again, it still wouldn't work. she's already inside me, im not inside of her yet. do you get it? i'm loving her so much but she does not give me the chance of being loved by her. she's not open. i still love her, but i have to free her. it hurts so much to let her go, but i have to.. =(