it hurts so much to let her go, but i have to.. =(

haay..

good day to all. you know what, i dont wanna listen to love songs anymore!!! damn that songs! they make me remember things i dont wanna remember.

i have to introduce you someone. she came into my life long before joy(the girl in my previous stories). let's hide her in the name of "maisha".

i met her in the "gawad kalinga", around october 2007(if i'm not mistaken), where our organization helped in building houses. we ate lunch having a very long connected tables w/ banana leaves as the cover which also served as our plate. we ate without utensils, we used only our hands. i just stayed only by myself after i have eaten when a girl approached me and said, "tara, panhinaw kita..", it means, let's go wash our hands. i faced her and she smiled at me. i smiled too. that was the time i have fallen for her. we went to a nearby water pump or "poso" as called in our mother tongue. i pumped while she washed her hands and after her, she pumped also for me.

she had a bad love exprience that time that's why i courted her for about almost a year before she would open her heart again to me. she said, she wants to be complete again before she gets inside of a relationship. i understand it, that's why i kept waiting.

there was almost a year, october 2008, when joy came into my life. that was the time i became a bad guy to maisha. you know what happened to me and joy. it didn't work that great. after everything that's happened, maisha was still there. she never left me. in fact, she was the one who helped me during the depressing times of my life. and i loved her more for that.

on december 2008, we spent christmas far from each other but, we stayed in touch through cellphone text and she was so sweet. she even told me, the reason maybe why she's not so delightful was maybe because she misses her father. and ofcourse, she also misses me. (oh.. so heart warming)

the last week of december was our field trip. we went to Cebu. i found a gift shop, i remembered maisha. i bought her a stuff toy. i gave it to her as soon as arrived. after i gave it, she hugged it and blowed it on my face many times. that time, she still remeber that joy was with us in our field trip maybe that's the reason why she did that (damn..). after that, she said "thank you". that was the sweetest thank you that i've ever heard even if i got a little hurt. (hahaha..)

weeks later, i have forgotten to text her. that was because "swordsman perfect world" (an MMORPG) reopened after it was being closed last October 2008. i played the game again without noticing that I'm not texting maisha anymore. this led to a major problem. one day, i texted her and said hi. she replied, "i'm out".(ouch!) i did everything just to make her wanna stay but, she said, "Please stop it. i'm in love with somebody else..".

i was so hurt, i couldn't believe we went into this situation. that was really hurting. i didn't reply her every text anymore.

maybe a month passed, i learned to live without having her. i lived with my friends. they make me laugh when we drink liquors (hahaha). one day i replied her. i think that time i was ready to make friends with her. she asked me if i believed her when she said she already had somebody else. i told her that was the most hurting of everything she said. i learned that she only uttered that thing because that day when i texted, it was weeks before i could text again, many things came into her mind especially that she saw joy a few moments before i texted her. that's why she got so ireful and told me those things.

i got so happy! everything she said were lies. but what's sad is that, we're done. i can't bring back our old relationship. i'm back to zero. but it's alright with me. i still love her. even if i keep on courting her until we grow older, it's alright.

i'm the kind of person who is an easy-go-lucky. if she'll be mine, i might not take care of her anymore. so it's ok if she's not mine. it means that everyday is a new challenge. for as long as she does not flirt with other guys, it's chicken! (hahaha..)

month's later, i think we're getting better and better until her birthday came. my plan was to play unaware of what day is it. if she keeps on breaking up on what day is it, i would just say, i dont know. and when she walks away, i'll call her and give her my present. but that didn't happen. she had other concerns and she was going as soon as possible. i quickly took a bath and rode on my motorcycle. being rushed, while on the way, i remebered that i have forgotten my present (oh my God, she's gonna go..). i turned back and get my present. i even wore a helmet which i do not usually do. i wore it because if ever she's gone, ill follow her just to give my present. when i was outside their house, i waited. i was already loosing hope that maybe she had gone already. she texted me to cross the street. i saw her. she was just across the street watching me. i gave her my present. she asked me what it was for. i was a little shy cause her cousin was just beside us. i told her, "it's your birthday, happy birthday..". she told me it was not. i got anxious that maybe i was wrong but luckily her cousin spoke and said "no, it's your birthday! oh, i almost forgot. happy birthday." (oh, i was able to breathe then). later she accepted my present. t'was a bracelet i bought from a lucky charm shop. the vendor said, you must wear it so that you'll be lucky in your relationship with others. so i bought it, hoping that we will be lucky too in our relationship.(from friends to.. you know! hahaha..)


so much for the happy moments.. this is the real problem.


from the time we got OK, or perhaps since we were friends again, i opened everything that happend to me to her. i didn't make secrets or perhaps i had but if she asks me, i'll be honest. i let her come inside my life. she's inside of my life.


maisha's attitude is, whenever she have problem, i do not ask her what that problem is. i just do my best to make her smile. whatever her problem is, she's ready to face it if she only smiles and face it with courage. that's what i do, i was born to make her laugh. but we can't stay like this all the time.


one day she said she had a problem. i asked her what it was. i played joke that if she will not tell me, i will not talk to her anymore forever (with a "=)" to emphasize that it was a joke). she made it serious. she said it was fine with her. i told her everything was just joke. i didn't mean it.


one thing came into my mind, maybe she was so itchy to leave me only that i was so nice, she cant. i told her such. and i freed her. i told her she's free.


now, we're far from being ok yet.

maybe t'was also my fault. i should have not told her such. but what i think is, if and only if she would like me again, it still wouldn't work. she's already inside me, im not inside of her yet. do you get it? i'm loving her so much but she does not give me the chance of being loved by her. she's not open. i still love her, but i have to free her. it hurts so much to let her go, but i have to.. =(

so close - john mclaughlin

hi guys! for our final project in our literature, we were called for an explanation of a certain poem which we are free to choose and submit it to our instructress. I'm not fond of reading poems, so i chose a song instead. and I made it with all of my heart so i decided to post it here. that was just my own elucidation. i hope you like it. while reading, you can listen to it. just go to the site shown at the end of this post. thank you!




So Close
Jon McLaughlin

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far




-
This actually is not a poem, but since poems can be sang, so does songs can be orated and explained. The reason why I choose a song to explain instead of a poem is because, I’m more hooked to music rather than a theatrical pompous speech. I hope you like the song and the way I am going to elucidate it. I am going to explain this per stanza because line-per-line explication is kind of peculiar for me. It spins my head right round. So, here we go...

The writer perhaps considers that each time he is with the one he feels affection for; it's as if it is his safe zone. He doesn't care what others may say. He acts as if they're the only ones who live in this world. He’s thinking that all his life he was dead until he met his adoration, that's the only time he realized that he's alive.

After whatever happened, the two lovers may stop dreaming and live the real life. The writer here would utter goodbye without knowing he was waiting for a long time and that one he was waiting for was right beside him. that was the time he only then realized that he's found what's missing that all his life he never fathom he was missing something. He knows now what he likes to do, which is to hold that affection so close to wherever he is.

Now, they really are very close. So close that they almost could attain that happy ending. They almost believe that all of what's happening is not fantasy. Now that they are with each other, they've reached almost the end of their enthusiasm. They’ve gone too far that they've become so close.

Now the thought of going to reality has bothered the writer. He now doesn't know what will happen if the time is over and the adoration he has would desolately leave him.

Now, he is hooked into reality. He now admits that everything was just madness. Although he's gone to a melancholy finale, what's delightful is that he comes to reminisce everything that's happened that somehow, his whole life; he still felt its beauty. So close and still so far...

This song as listened to can be interpreted to as an inspiring song because of the melody, but as we explained it's meaning, we discovered that this song really was melodramatic.

Now as a conclusion, I think this was a love story in which they were in love with each other but they didn't have the chance because everything was just fantasy. They didn't have the chance to make it real because perhaps they already have betrotheds.

But if I was in their position, I would pursue my heart. I would fight for my love for as long as I know we feel the same way for each other, as long as I know I am not the only one who is fighting, as long as she's there, as long as I love her, as long as she loves me too.

No walls can ever tear us apart. I love you.



Source: http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/enchanted/soclose.htm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHnZ_vtyJ6E

im back..

hi guys! you miss me, don't you? oh, i miss you, too!

i am so sorry for just posting now. i was quite busy lately. would you like to know what happened to my story now?

alright.. we are all OK. she's got her own life, I've got mine, too. you know what i mean? yes, she has a new guy on her life which i think is good. i am sincere, i am happy for her.

well, i think that's all for now. i just would like you to be conversant of my return. if you feel i should write more stories then, you can comment while I'm still thinking of what to sound off.

thanks for your persistent support. i love you, too! hehehe..

i am so sorry.

haaaay... hirap ng kalagayan ko ngayon. alam nyo kc may tinago akong sikreto sa inyo. at hindi lang sa inyo kundi pati na rin sa kanya (you know..)

one time kasi, i invited her to our house. because i love her, i would like to show her that I'm sincere and that i have a clean intention. the purpose of my invitation is to introduce her to my parents.

the response given out by my mom was not really that decent. she said to me that she cannot accept this girl cause she doesn't like her. i asked her why. she said that i better find another who's physically more attractive than this girl that I've presented her.

i love this girl so much. i cannot just do that. so what I've done was to keep the secret all by myself.

you know what, every time i hang out with my friends and get late in going home, my mom always asks me if i was with this girl. i don't like much argument with her 'cause she's my mom. i just tell her that this girl was not present. but whenever my mom says anything negative about this girl, i would always protect her which makes me and my mom quarrel. if i can flee from arguing with my mom, I'll always do because i don't want to make this bigger and i don't like to come to the situation that this girl will be involved.

one time, we hanged out again. it was the death anniversary of the father of one of our friends. once again, i would be late in going home. my mother called me at my phone. i told her i was about to go home. once again, she called, this time in the resident telephone of our friend. she asked if I've already gone out. another question is that, if this girl (***) was in the party. i haven't told my friend about it. he just answered my mom honestly.

i hate my mom!

you know what she's done? she tried to call this girl in her phone. because no one was answering, my mom sent text messages to her. in that message were really excruciating words. i don't wanna discuss it. just imagine that this words were really awful.

i knew about what happened. this girl told me about it because she was confused. she didn't understand what my mom was telling her. i hate my mom about this. why did it have to reach to this?

yeah, i know. these are all my fault..

"to the girl i love, i am so sorry. i should have told you what were the reactions of my mom the time i brought you home. you know what, i just love you so much i don't want you to get hurt. but what I've done still hurt you. i just would like you to know that, whatever my mom told be about you, didn't change anything. nothing has changed. i still love you. i am so sorry."

you know what, it's so sad that i told her about my feelings for her because there was a problem. i was not able to tell her in a way that it would be romantic.

my mom and i often quarrel but, as time passes, we forget about it. this time, it's NOT the same. i think i reached my limitations. i cant just forget this. now, I'm moving to iloilo to my grandparents in my father's side. i guess I'll just leave for good.

to my mom, you know ma, i love you so much. but what you've done left me a big wound, a wound that i know will be healed by time and a life that is not having you by my side. bye ma, take care...

i cannot forget the words this girl has told me..

"kasi nga me (me = short for 'jaime', my real name), hindi nmn tau nasa soap opera, this is a real world, sitwasyon na hindi magkatugma. sorry, pasensya, ito ung totoo at ayoko gawing mas-complicated."

you know guys may ibig sabihin ang lahat ng ito. parang naiintindihan ko pero ayaw ko aminin sa sarili ko. ayaw ko na kc umasa.

haaaay.. I'll leave for good and seek for a new beginning. if there's someone or something who can stop me, it would be myself. but there's also another one. i wont say it, i just like it to happen.

I'm sorry for being selfish...

hi fellas.. you already know my situation or perhaps my story. now, I'm going to impart happenings that took place lately when we(my girl) were together.

last day (a Saturday), we conducted a community service. our service was cleaning a certain part of a municipality. i enjoyed doing this because I've had her company. the fatigue that I'm feeling is faded away by her radiant smiles each time i play jokes with her. and whenever she smiles, i simply look at her and smile too. and then, we continue cleaning.

usually after a major service such as this event, happens, there always comes a fellowship (you know.. let's drink to that! hehehe..). i and herself joined the school.

you know already that i really love this woman so much that she already feels me but, what I'm thinking that she's the only one who can sense this, is wide off the mark, because many folks also perceive of what my feelings for her were.

you know what, after a few drinks, the story shared by the group slowly changed until i became the subject (oh my gowd!). this time, they started interrogating me. they do not ask directly about her but their metaphor definitely portrays her.

at that time, i really am very anxious. i don't know what to say. my perspiration leaks like nozzle. but however i conceal my feelings there's always a saying that a fish is caught in the mouth. i don't know, especially that I'm kind of a drunk that time, i really don't know. words just come out thoroughly from my mouth. but i was still wide awake that time. i didn't tell anything directly. it brought questions into their minds especially the woman who was listening and was involved... the woman i love.

guys, i am very sorry for being selfish. i just think that it was not the right time and entirely not the right place. what would the woman say, that i just tell stories because I'm drunk. i don't want that to happen. don't worry guys, time will come that you will all know and the world will all know.

and to the woman that i love, i am very sorry too. i know you are aware of what my feelings for you are. you just would like to here it exactly from my mouth. you like to see my sincerity by hearing it personally from me. you know what, i love you so much. i just don't have enough confidence. i don't know how i will say it that it wouldn't sound awkward. i am sorry too for being sheepish. someday, ill find my courage. i just don't know where but i know i will...

Tank - My Personal Angel (Zhuan Shu Tian Shi) lyrics Translation

I will not blame you on your pretendence to me.
When an angel comes to the Earth, she should hide her wings.
People are stupid and abrupt, but you are delicate and angelical.
How can I let you be hurt because of me?

Your small hands give a thick warmth.
You can always calm down my uneasy night.
The dream that I dare not to dream, through your eyes,
I then see it is just in front of me.

No one can grab you away from my side.
You are my personal angel, only I can own you.
No one else can replace you in my heart.
I own a personal angel,
I wouldn't need any other wish.

Your small hands have a big power.
I too can definitely soar high like you.
The place you want to go is my direction.
You have my protection so you just focus on smiling brightly.

No one can grab you away from my side.
You are my personal angel, only I can own you.
No one else can replace you in my heart.
I own a personal angel,
I wouldn't need any other wish.

If it's not for you, I am still sleeping.
Despairingly thinking that there is only darkness in life.

No one can grab you away from my side.
You are my personal angel, only I can own you.
No one else can replace you in my heart.
I own a personal angel,
I wouldn't need any other wish...

source: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tank/my_personal_angel_zhuan_shu_tian_shi.html



Tank - Zhuan Shu Tian Shi (Hana Kimi OST)

I really like this song, especially the lyrics 'cause this conveys the message my heart wants to say to the girl i really love. i would like her to know that she really is an angel to me, my personal angel. i hope one day I'll have enough courage to tell her this.

"I love you."

you can also listen to this music at http://www.freewebs.com/jaime0610/

that was a wrong move!

hi guys.. if you've only read what my first post was about then i guess you can catch up on me here on this next post that I'm to discuss.

guys, i think the reason why the girl i like does not treat me that warm anymore unlike before because i think she's hiding something. i don't want to sound fresh but i just wont say it directly. i think somehow, we're the same (you know..).

last night, we were on an overnight beach party. i swam without having any apparel. it is because i have no extra clothes. since it's night, nobody can see me or perhaps they'll see but very insufficient (hehehe).

what happened next?

she too, soaked into the water after me (but she didn't see anything, i believe). but the problem is that, she too has no extra clothes (oh man, what you gonna do?).

i played the guitar after i wear out my clothes. i sang songs of wooing. i played loudly to make sure she hears it.

you know what?

she moved towards me and took a pew beside me. that was a nice part and i loved it. but what happened was, before me, i was tackled by my anxiety. she was cold cause she has just finished bathing in the deep. i moved away from her cause i don't know what to do. each time i moved my body to avoid contact with her is the time she will come closer and lay her body on my shoulder.

i just made distance again and i said, "you are cold.. you are wet.."

i think, in her mind she was thinking that i was infuriated, so she just stood up silently and walked away from me (how sad.. ). arggh! that was a mistake! that was a wrong move!

oh.. if only i had known what's what, i should have done right. i just realized everything after she moved away. i hope there will still be a next time for me. huhuhu...